Deep Density Detox, part 2

My 8 day Deep Density Detox with Panache Desai officially ended Monday, but of course it hasn’t ended. I continue to be overcome at random times with tears, usually accompanied with tremendous fear. Fear that these tears and pain are not going to end. Fear that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Fear that there is too much to release. Fear that I’m not good at life. I continue to be stunned and amazed how much I’ve been driven by fear. Looking back I can so easily see that fear preceded every bought of depression and suicide attempt going back to my earliest days.

I know there is a reason for my going through all of this, because otherwise I wouldn’t be going through it. I know I’m here to be a teacher and a leader, sometimes it just really sucks to lead by example; to be willing to go to the darkest places and feel what is there. But that is the only way to release our fears, pains and doubts. I’m doing my best to surrender; to allow whatever shows up to show up. To not judge it or condemn myself (that is the hardest part for me).

I’ve also had tremendous feelings of peace, safety and love through this too. I don’t want anyone to think I’m shuddering in pain and fear around the clock. Not even close. It is just the moments of terror are so amazingly strong that they create a short term memory lapse, and it is only after I bawl, sob and wail that I’m back to the peace. It is hard to explain and hard to experience.

This weekend I’m going to a live event with Panache at Kripalu Yoga & Retreat Center in western Mass. It is my reward to myself for completing the recent 3 day Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza event. I bought this program before I discovered the Deep Density Detox and I thought “how cool, I can do these back to back!” The sometimes tortuous experience of being me has me reconsidering exactly how cool an idea this combination is, but on I go. On you go. On we all shall go.

I don’t know if I’ve prayed, begged and screamed for surrender and peace as much as I have the last few days. Actually, I know I have, what is different know is that I’m not trying to end my life at the same time. I share this with you so that if you ever find yourself there you know you aren’t the first, the only one and you are certainly not alone.

Here are the final 4 days of my Deep Density Detox journey.

Day 5, Oct 34, 2015. The corner has been turned! It isn’t about releasing emotions, it is about releasing our judgment of them.

Day 6, Oct 24, 2015. Vibrational forgiveness – much more than saying I’m sorry. When we allow ourselves to fully feel the pain of the original hurt/trauma until there is peace, that is true forgiveness.

Day 7, Oct 25, 2015. The Purge. This shit is hard. I am willing to let who I thought I was die.

Day 8, Oct 26, 2015. Final day. Be willing to feel whatever shows up in your life. Feeling your emotions fully in the moment they arise, without judgment, is the key to truly being in the flow of life. This journey has been about accepting, allowing, and appreciating. Lessons I’ve learned and shared often, but I’ve now experienced at yet another level.

It isn’t always fun being a human being willing to wake up, be aware and not numb out with distractions and addictions. But it is worth it.
Be good to yourself,


PS – WOW, while putting finishing touches on this post, Panache Desai just went live on Facebook video to reminding me to surrender and to love all parts of me. Thank you. I feel so much… lighter than when I began writing this. I hope my sharing of this journey serves you.


Deep Density Detox, Part 1

This month I decided to embark on an energetic and emotional cleanse with Panache Desai known as a Deep Density Detox. It is just 8 days long with some morning and evening meditations, group calls and daily video training from Panache. When I saw the video invite to this program a few weeks ago, I was immediately in tears and knew it was something I was needing. I decided it would be cool to do a daily video. Once I started however, creating a video diary did not feel like such a cool thing, but I stuck with it.

Here are the first 4 days of my journey.

Day 1, Oct 19, 2015. Terror and wanting to be liked.

Day 2, Oct 20, 2015. I am not my stories nor am I my past experiences.

Day 3, Oct 21, 2015. Dissolving limited beliefs.

Day 4, Oct 22, 2015. Detaching from drama.

Being fully conscious – or at least attempting to be – is no pleasure cruise. I trust that my open sharing somehow serves you in your personal growth.
Be good to yourself,

Loving Yourself When You Don’t Like Yourself

A few years ago I made a video that shared what I believe is the true reason behind most suicide attempts, a lack of self-love. During many times of depression and desperation, I cursed and blamed things outside of me. I also cursed and blamed myself. I thought that I hated myself and that is why I wanted to die. Actually, I hated how I felt. I hated my own thoughts.

As my own spiritual awareness has grown over the years I sometimes find it difficult to remember what it was like when I wasn’t willing to love myself. This is common anytime we learn something new, eventually we forget what life was like before we developed the new understanding, skill or insight. Internet marketer, Jeff Walker, refers to this as the Curse of Knowledge.

Liking me and loving me are different. I did not always realize that. There are still plenty of times that I don’t like me — to be more specific, I’m referring to moments when I don’t like what I’m thinking, feeling, or doing. It could be what I’m doing to myself or to other people. I may be acting out in ways I thought I was beyond, or having thoughts I was sure I that I was done with long ago. I am bigger than me. “Me” is this human being known as Andy Grant, who can still get caught up in judgment, negative self-talk, and patterns that don’t support me. I, or I AM, is the bigger version of me, my spiritual aspect or my Higher Self if you are familiar with that term. Even when I don’t like me, especially when I don’t like me, it is vitally important that I’m willing to love me. I’m willing to love this crazy life,  my own brain and habits. Just being willing brings me a sense of peace I never used to have when I thought I was my thoughts, feelings and actions.

We can all love ourselves even when we don’t like particularly like us. I find that allowing the broader perspective of love melts away the insistence that whatever shitty thing I’m going through will be the way it is always.  When I’m willing to love my challenges, my setbacks, my growth… ALL of it, I can exhale and everything is easier. You can hate what you’re doing or what you’re thinking, but still love you. We do it all the time with pets and children. They do something you don’t like, something you may hate and scream and shout about. But you still love them. Give that gift to you, too.

When you don’t like yourself, when you don’t like what you are thinking, feeling or doing – be willing to love yourself anyway. Love your contradictions. Love your chaos. Love that an old scab has been picked off. Love that there is still healing to be done. Be willing to love that you keep going. Be willing to be amazed at your own resilience, growth and perseverance. Be willing to love that there is still work to do, for if there wasn’t you wouldn’t be here.

Unconditional love means that I love me, even when I don’t love what I’m thinking, feeling, or doing. And that is the greatest gift, the greatest skill, the greatest habit anyone can develop. The best part is that we are all capable of developing it. And we are all worthy of that love, too.

Unconditional Love

Enough Is Enough

Do you ever feel like not matter what you do, it isn’t enough? Do you ever feel like you aren’t enough?
I woke up today feeling a whole lot of “not enoughness.”

Thank you so much to Project Positive Change founder, Leigh Daniel, Lori Grant and our five amazing guest speakers: Brad Hudson, Dena Gould, Sally Hendrick and Gary Keil for creating such a powerful weekend of business development and personal growth. For those who bought the livestream, you have replay access for the rest of October!
When you transform yourself, you transform your business.

Special shout out to Lori Grant, for not only helping me through my “not enoughness” but for an amazing 20 years together. I love you!

Everything is perfect

Watch Live and Get Two Weeks of Replays for Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza!

Transform yourself, transform your business with UEE livestream and two weeks of replay access!

Time and space are no longer barriers to you being part of Project Positive Change’s the Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza October 9 – 11, 2015. Are you looking to step out into the world with your own business? Are you wanting to grow your current business? Do you keep bumping into the same obstacles that make you wonder if you are on the right path?

At UEE you’ll do the inner work that allows your outer work to flow easily and abundantly!

In-person registration for Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza has closed, but you can join us via livestream October 9 – 11, 2015. Over 20 hours of content will be streamed to you, live beginning at 7:30pm Eastern Friday Oct 9! Register here and access the entire weekend for less than the cost of working with any one of the eight speakers for an hour. PLUS – you’ll get access to the replay for two weeks to review anything you miss or want to watch again.

Dig deep into your dreams, goals, and discover your Life Purpose Profile!

Join Lori Grant, Andy Grant, Project Positive Change founder, Leigh Daniel and five amazing guest speakers: Brad Hudson, Phillipa Kiripatea, Dena Gould, Sally Hendrick and Gary Keil for a powerful weekend intensive of business development and personal growth this October 9 – 11 called Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza! Even if you have plans for the weekend, you won’t miss a thing because you’ll get to watch the replay for two weeks! Act now to ensure your access. Register here.

Join us live beginning Friday at 7:30pm or catch up with replays through October 25th!

Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza 3 day event