I went for seven months without a blog post this year. Not because so little was happening, but because so much was. I’ve been sharing what I’ve been up to mostly via my Real Men Feel podcast and social media. This year has been nothing short of monumental when it comes to my personal and spiritual growth.
2019 kicked off with a fantastic trip to Israel and Jordan in February. Then, I began one of the most challenging paths someone can choose with the Ritual Master program from the Modern Mystery School. The class part of it started in May, but the energies started stirring up long before that.
Indeed my first day home from vacation in February, fear, and dread started. I was quite terrified that I’d made a mistake and that I was going to discover something horrible. I did a couple of Real Men Feel shows about it in March; When The Going Gets Tough and Feeling The Fears.
I did make it to Toronto, the international headquarters of the Modern Mystery School, in May for the Ritual Master 1 class and initiation. There was a lot of talk about suicide during the program. I felt relief. I felt better.
But the day after my Ritual Master initiation, I was having suicidal thoughts.
Over the next few months, I dared those darkest thoughts to consume me. I stopped doing all the things that made me feel better. I stopped doing my rituals that keep shitty thoughts away or ended them quickly when they show up. I didn’t just give up; I challenged the evil to do whatever it wanted.
I had been booked for a solo adventure to Mt Kilimanjaro in Tanzania in late June. In meditation last year, I got that I needed to make a trip on my own, to climb a mountain. Probably not the way most people select their vacations, but hey – that’s me.
As it got closer, I wasn’t looking forward to it. In fact, I had a strong sense that I wouldn’t return. That’s beating around the bush. I had been researching ways I could die while in Africa.
My meditation was correct; I just had the wrong mountain.
During this time, my guide suggested an ancestral healing. It was actually mentioned back in May. I knew I needed it. When I’d first heard of an ancestral healing from a Facebook post last November, I knew I was going to have to do it someday. I wasn’t prepared for someday to be so soon.
Others agreeing that I needed an ancestral healing scared me. Who or what would I be if suicidal thoughts were genuinely gone for good? I thought I’d been done with them numerous times already. Maybe it wasn’t possible? The healing was also a substantial financial commitment, but I finally decided I was worth the investment. What good is saving some money if it costs my life?
On July 1st I decided enough was enough and shared on Facebook how bad I’d been doing. By July 4th I decided I would do this ancestral healing process and I began to feel the best I had all year. You can see what I shared at that time here: Real Men Talk. The decision to live and the decision to heal continued to have me feeling great.
In August, I flew to Toronto and met with Founder Gudni Gudnason of the Modern Mystery School for an in-person ancestral scan and reading. He traced the suicidal energies back through many generations for the origin of this evil in my family.
Founder Gudni determined that the Naugatuck CT grave of my great grandmother, who killed herself before I was born, would be the access point for these energies to be dealt with. For the next three months, people I’d never met in Taiwan and Japan prayed and did rituals for my benefit. What amazed me was that I could feel it. I felt supported in a way I never had before.
I was joyous, excited, and looking forward to things.
The healing was going to culminate in early November at a cemetery in Connecticut. For much of October, I was often getting vicious headaches lasting up to 36 hours. Aside from that, I continued to feel upbeat.
The night before I was to drive to Connecticut, a whirlwind of anger and fury hit me. I had flashbacks to so many nights of wishing I was dead. All the worst times of my life were flashing before my eyes, fully in the span of a few minutes.
A friend who had done this process last year got me settled down and accompanied me throughout this adventure. We met up with the rest of the team, some driving up from New York and Ipsissimus Hideto joining us from Japan. All the while, still supported by remote people in Taiwan and even Hollywood.
I can’t attempt to explain what happened at that gravesite. I just focused on my part, and I swore I kept hearing someone say my name and seeing shapes moving about from the corners of my eyes. I distinctly recall one moment when an old Kiss song started playing in my head. It stood out because it was the first time any music entered my mind all day. A minute later, Ipsissimus Hideto said, “It is done.”
Now, the training wheels are off.
I still feel fantastic. Lighter, freer, I feel a stronger sense of service, mission, and that I’m indeed supposed to be here more than ever before.
In mid-November, I returned home from Toronto and my second initiation on the Ritual Master path, which is a multi-year journey. My healing work and service to others have never been stronger. I’ve never been more proud of myself.
I can feel the benefits of clearing that dark energy not only in me but everyone around me, even in all of my ancestors. Words can’t convey how I know that, so I won’t try, but I feel like Divine Grace touched me, and the blessing radiates out in ways I don’t yet comprehend.
This year has felt a decade long. I honestly wasn’t sure I was going to make it at times. I was pretty sure I didn’t want to make it plenty of times too. But I’m also glad, thrilled, to have been so wrong.
Much love to you,