Heard you missed me, I’m back!
Did you even notice I was gone? Did you care or wonder? Regardless, I’m back!
For the past couple months I had retreated from email, social media, creating, reaching out…pretty much everything. I was alive, but not really living.
I’m finally feeling over a prolonged period of depression and even suicidal thoughts. I’ve dealt with periods of depression and suicidal ideation off and on for most of my life and that has made me great at covering it up; of pretending everything is fine, of being able to go through the motions when needed.
As a survivor of multiple suicide attempts, I often share that if you’ve ever seriously contemplated suicide that the option, that thought, will always be there lurking in the back of your mind, waiting for a moment of weakness to rise up and scream, “I know the way out!”
Even though I know those suicidal thoughts can and probably will pop up again, when it happens to me I feel like a fraud; a hypocrite. In November I began to feel a level of fear that I don’t recall previously in my adult life. I was afraid of the life I’d created. I gave my power away to others. I put more importance in the opinion others had of me than I had of myself. I was afraid every decision I’d made in recent years was mistaken. I stopped doing all the self-care practices that have served me well for years. I stopped trusting myself. I stopped being active on Facebook. I stopped trying to build my business. I stopped being of service. I stopped being. It was as if I was practicing being dead to see if anyone noticed. A handful of people contacted me to see if I was ok. I prayed that my positive impact on people so far would outweigh whatever mistakes I was currently making or considering. November and December were very bad, very dark times of self-loathing, and failure. I do call it a period of failure because I had given up. I didn’t believe in myself. I prayed for this lifetime to end.
Only my amazing wife knows how bad it really was, but I even lied to her plenty of days too. Keeping my worst thoughts, plans, and deadlines to myself. I thought, how can I write, speak, or coach anyone if I’m planning and plotting my own demise? I thought I was making the world a worse place. I stopped blogging, creating videos and pretty much all activities because I was worried that all that would come out would be negative, “woe is me” sort of messages. I feared anything I dared write would quickly morph into a suicide note.
I knew I wasn’t going to kill myself, yet I was sometimes obsessed with doing just that. To me, that turmoil, the tortuous sense of being pulled back and forth; of thinking and feeling that I should just die, while knowing with all my heart and soul that it isn’t the answer and I must go on was the worst feeling. For me, it is a crippling feeling – at least I let it be. I reached out to a few people, did various energy work, talking, healing, releasing… yet I didn’t go all the way. When left to my own devices, I chose taking no action to improve myself, my life, my business, my mood…
Last week I got an email from a psychic/medium, Laura Emerald, whom I did not know. She had taken a live class on social media from me last summer, but we had never spoken directly. She said Spirit kept telling her to reach out to me and that I needed to know that I was supported and loved. We spoke briefly last Friday and Laura told me my Guides and loved ones wanted to lift me up out of sadness and to pass on messages of love and support. Mind you, she had no idea about my history or how I’d been feeling recently. We set up a time for a live, in-person full psychic reading which happened today.
The gist of the messages today was how much I am supported and loved. And the importance of forgiving myself and others, while also being willing to ask for help. My maternal grandmother was the driving force. She passed away in 2007 and was the closest of my grandparents to me. She’d always been one of my biggest fans. Her husband (my grandfather) died by suicide in 1999. She referred to a time when I was about 14 (which was my first suicide attempt) as a “catalyst for questioning” – questioning everything including did I want to be here. She knew I’d been in a similar time of questioning recently. She stressed that I was supposed to be here and each time I had these questions – a “cycle of questions exploding” – and I decided to stay, that I was strengthening myself and my tools as well as the help I can give others. This particular current time is leading to a quantum leap in my evolution, growth and development.
Words and feelings of support, love, and the importance of my work poured from Laura while I resonated deeply with chills, shudders and tears. I am here to help people “attain higher levels” and be successful when facing their biggest fears.
I was also visited by my Uncle Bruce who asked me to forgive him for not communicating and supporting me more while he was alive. He couldn’t share how much he loved me until now.
The last appearance was from one of my Guides who stressed how loved and protected I was and that I am to continue looking for guideposts on my own path while I serve as a guidepost for others.
The final words shared with me today were; “The I AM essence of Andy is Divine. It is time to stick your toe back in the river of your divinity.” Will be fun to see how that plays out.
Take from this what you will. For me, I had been praying for messages, support, and help while also begging to move on to the next realm. Spirit reached out to a stranger to have them contact me because I was refusing to fully see the Truth myself; I’m supposed to be here, and I still have lots of work to do.
The Universe never ceases to amaze me.
Andy what an amazing soul you are! I can so identify with so much of what you share. The darkness has overcome me many times and the words you speak always brings me back to the light! Speaking your truth, sharing you journey ~ the good the bad and the ugly lol helps to heal us all! Your struggles have somehow made mine seem easier to carry. The fact that you are so successful and yet still face these challenges give hope to the rest of us holigans out here! I am so glad that spirit connected with you! Thank you for living your journey out loud! Love light and prayers to you Andy!
Thanks so much my “accidental” friend. Love and Light to you.
Hi Andy….Yes! I did miss you and was wondering why i wasn’t seeing any facebook posts. I did wonder if you were alright or if something happened. What you wrote above really spoke to me as I have been having some really dark days as well since about November. I am struggling with a lot of emotions right now and the biggest was being in denial that I was depressed. See I too have learned how to hide how I’m really feeling when I am around people. I guess I’m so good at it that I was hiding it from myself as well. I have often thought to myself recently, that if Andy can learn to be happy why can’t I. I’m sorry you were struggling so but reading this helped me to realize we all struggle from time to time. It’s still very rough emotionally for me as I have been having severe anxiety and panic attacks not to mention the depression. But everyday I get up and say, “ok, let’s give it a go again!” Fortunately I have two wonderful daughters that keep me fighting (although I am hiding most of what I am going thru lately from them). I am determined to keep fighting for the life I want! Thank you for being so upfront and honest with what you have been going through.
Thanks Tracy. I actually heard from a number of people that November began a very difficult time for them as well. It isn’t just me. It isn’t just you. But it does always pass, and for me it passes easier when I share what is going on. Perhaps sharing more with your wonderful daughters would make it feel less like a fight. Love & Light, Andy
I am so glad to see you are OK!
I know how devastating it was to hear opinions about you, your work and your branding. Please remember those are only opinions, and their source has nothing to do with the source of your truth and work.
I was very impressed with your integrity, your solidness, and the value of what you offer.
Please know that your power always rests within, you are the perfect product of divine creation, and your message will be heard by those who are listening for it.
I send you love and light,
Thank you, Marion.
Your words and energy are appreciated.
Love and Light,
I always wonder about you but never doubt. I never doubt your purpose, your light, or your ability to pull out of your darkest days back into the light.
Thank you for being you, Andy.
Thanks for your support, Jill.
Love and Light,
You are amazing because you are real and share you real struggles with us! Thank you! Healers always need healing too! I’m glad you were reached and are pulling above the darkness. Stay strong!
Peace & Love!
I wish I had fewer struggles to share, but I guess that isn’t my path.
Love and Light,
Certainly I missed you! My November was pretty horrible as well as you know! I appreciate your willingness to share the way you were feeling. It hits home for me as I feel the same way during periods of depression and darkness. I often feel as if I can’t help others when I can’t help myself. You have so much power and love to give. I’m so sorry you went through this period of time but I am thrilled to see you back!
Thank you, Leigh.
November was a rough time for many people. I, for some reason, chose to stretch it out into 2015.
I’m not sorry for any of it as I do believe it has a purpose and serves me in some way that I can’t always see.
Love and Light,
i too wondered what happened! I’ve not been on Facebook too much lately but when I have had the chance I’ve noticed nothing from you.
I though took this, in my negative aspect, of maybe I was “unfriended”!
To see this post, I thought, what a coincidence! Although I know there are no coincidences.
I am happy to see you back.
Thanks, Marie. So nice to hear from you.
Love and Light,
So I didn’t know that you had been gone…largely because a lot of people I actually know never show up in my FB stream. But you did yesterday, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I was eager to hear how your session went and I had a sense that it was the real deal.
Look at how the divine spirit pulled you back into your own divinity. I think your higher self put out a call to Laura, and because she is an open channel, she was willing to reach out to you.
Andy, you may have times of hiding, but when you come out into the light you share so honestly and with grace and humility. These are much-needed qualities in the world today. And they require courage..which you may not realize you have in spades.
Who better to help people struggling with issues of depression and fantasies of suicide than someone who has been through it themselves?!
I am so glad that you are here, that you are open, and that you are doing the work that you are meant to do.
There is no failure in my eyes. Only experience, learning, and alchemizing it into gold.
Oh, and Andy? You don’t have to push your message out there.
The universe has made easy and successful your path. This I know. Sending big love and thanks!
Thank you so much, Kat.
I welcome a stretch of ease and success 🙂
Love and Light,
Andy, just last week a friend mention a healer named Andy in Littleton. I was telling her about your struggles with suicide not knowing you were going through it again. Usually I dread Xmas. One son is in CA, we both don’t have the money to see each other, I miss him every day. My youngest son said he would take me to Strasbourg & London- places 3 great-grandparents came from. I could avoid all the usual holiday activities I find difficult or meaningless. I had a great time, then back to reality. What I noticed while gone was all the visual stimulation I need, did lots of walking which helped, my son was with me most of the time, I had plenty of food, no money concerns -then back to loniness, a dull job that cut my hours, living in a place I don’t like. How does one get out of the victim mode? Is it my brain chemistry? Not doing what I want to? It is a constant state of frustration. Wish you well. You are fortunate to have Lori.-Diane
Years ago, enjoying vacations despite being miserable before and after them in my “normal” life was one of the very things that made me realize I am much more than chemistry. Often on vacation we are truly living in the moment – everything is new, exciting and takes all of your attention. All of the things that bothered/worried us still exist, but we aren’t focused on them. What you focus on is your choice. It takes bravery and practice to choose to focus on things that feel good, especially when that is not your normal pattern.
When we find ourselves in situations we don’t like it is up to us to make changes. Change starts with your thoughts. I find that the quickest path from victim mode is taking responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and actions. Victim mode is blaming others, pointing outside, and looking for someone/something to blame. It is giving away your power. We are all more powerful than we give ourselves credit for.
Love and Light,
Andy, this is an honest and inspiring narrative. The recent spiritual messages are amazing. See? Especially in the darkest times, an unexpected message of light comes through, reminding you are loved! Be well.
I was originally concerned about sharing this. I wasn’t sure if it would benefit me or anyone else to do so.
The feedback here, on Facebook and via email has been powerful, moving and healing.
Love and Light to you,
Glad to have stumbled upon your story. Thank you for sharing. It was a blessing for me tonight. 😉
I am happy to hear that Cecilia.
Love and Light,