Ripple Effects

Last week I lead my first Men’s Group at Circles of Wisdom, an idea I’d been toying with for months. One of the guys who attended looked familiar and I asked him if we’d met before. He said we had, at a holistic expo in New Hampshire last summer.

As the meeting went on I realized he was the person from the expo that I’ve since referred to as “The Show Me Guy.” That particular event was the first time I decided to do mini Akashic Records Readings in an expo environment. This guy came by who wasn’t familiar with the records at all and decided to take a seat and said, “Show me something.” I quickly forget details of readings for people, but I do remember I could see in his face that what I was sharing was having a deep impact on him. After the brief session, he said, “Wow, thanks” shook my hand and moved on.

At the men’s group he shared what I told him and why it had such a profound impact. The information from the Records resonated strongly due to a spiritual emergency he had recently gone through with a family member. He was so intrigued he took a class to read the Akashic Records himself. He went on to tell me that he read on my blog about how suicidal I’d been in December. He said he came to the men’s group meeting to tell me that I’m important.

The wild part to me was that I completely missed that last portion. Another attendee asked me if I heard what the man had said to me. I realized, I had zoned out and wasn’t sure what the final thing he had said was. He repeated it, “I came here tonight to tell you that you are important.” I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to really take that in. I was stunned that I completely missed him saying it the first time. I was amazed by the synchronicities and ripple effects of what we all do. If I hadn’t decided to do Readings at that NH expo, if he hadn’t sat down and said “show me,” if he hadn’t read my blog, decided to come to the meeting, if the other guy hadn’t somehow recognized that I zoned out when I was told that I was important the first time…

I quickly flashed back to a conversation with a friend in late November when I was extremely low. He told me that whatever bad ripples I think I’m sending out and bringing people down with, that is nothing compared to the horrible ripple effect my absence would have on him and everyone else. That hit me hard. Ripple effects. They are powerful and come from what we do as well as what we don’t do. I’m determined to focus on the ones radiating from what I choose to do.

Ripple Effects

Heard you missed me, I’m back!

I'm Back!Did you even notice I was gone? Did you care or wonder? Regardless, I’m back!

For the past couple months I had retreated from email, social media, creating, reaching out…pretty much everything. I was alive, but not really living.

I’m finally feeling over a prolonged period of depression and even suicidal thoughts. I’ve dealt with periods of depression and suicidal ideation off and on for most of my life and that has made me great at covering it up; of pretending everything is fine, of being able to go through the motions when needed.

As a survivor of multiple suicide attempts, I often share that if you’ve ever seriously contemplated suicide that the option, that thought, will always be there lurking in the back of your mind, waiting for a moment of weakness to rise up and scream, “I know the way out!”

Even though I know those suicidal thoughts can and probably will pop up again, when it happens to me I feel like a fraud; a hypocrite. In November I began to feel a level of fear that I don’t recall previously in my adult life. I was afraid of the life I’d created. I gave my power away to others. I put more importance in the opinion others had of me than I had of myself. I was afraid every decision I’d made in recent years was mistaken. I stopped doing all the self-care practices that have served me well for years. I stopped trusting myself. I stopped being active on Facebook. I stopped trying to build my business. I stopped being of service. I stopped being. It was as if I was practicing being dead to see if anyone noticed. A handful of people contacted me to see if I was ok. I prayed that my positive impact on people so far would outweigh whatever mistakes I was currently making or considering. November and December were very bad, very dark times of self-loathing, and failure. I do call it a period of failure because I had given up. I didn’t believe in myself. I prayed for this lifetime to end.

Only my amazing wife knows how bad it really was, but I even lied to her plenty of days too. Keeping my worst thoughts, plans, and deadlines to myself. I thought, how can I write, speak, or coach anyone if I’m planning and plotting my own demise? I thought I was making the world a worse place. I stopped blogging, creating videos and pretty much all activities because I was worried that all that would come out would be negative, “woe is me” sort of messages. I feared anything I dared write would quickly morph into a suicide note.

I knew I wasn’t going to kill myself, yet I was sometimes obsessed with doing just that. To me, that turmoil, the tortuous sense of being pulled back and forth; of thinking and feeling that I should just die, while knowing with all my heart and soul that it isn’t the answer and I must go on was the worst feeling. For me, it is a crippling feeling – at least I let it be. I reached out to a few people, did various energy work, talking, healing, releasing… yet I didn’t go all the way. When left to my own devices, I chose taking no action to improve myself, my life, my business, my mood…

Last week I got an email from a psychic/medium, Laura Emerald, whom I did not know. She had taken a live class on social media from me last summer, but we had never spoken directly. She said Spirit kept telling her to reach out to me and that I needed to know that I was supported and loved. We spoke briefly last Friday and Laura told me my Guides and loved ones wanted to lift me up out of sadness and to pass on messages of love and support. Mind you, she had no idea about my history or how I’d been feeling recently. We set up a time for a live, in-person full psychic reading which happened today.

The gist of the messages today was how much I am supported and loved. And the importance of forgiving myself and others, while also being willing to ask for help. My maternal grandmother was the driving force. She passed away in 2007 and was the closest of my grandparents to me. She’d always been one of my biggest fans. Her husband (my grandfather) died by suicide in 1999. She referred to a time when I was about 14 (which was my first suicide attempt) as a “catalyst for questioning” – questioning everything including did I want to be here. She knew I’d been in a similar time of questioning recently. She stressed that I was supposed to be here and each time I had these questions – a “cycle of questions exploding” – and I decided to stay, that I was strengthening myself and my tools as well as the help I can give others. This particular current time is leading to a quantum leap in my evolution, growth and development.

Words and feelings of support, love, and the importance of my work poured from Laura while I resonated deeply with chills, shudders and tears. I am here to help people “attain higher levels” and be successful when facing their biggest fears.

I was also visited by my Uncle Bruce who asked me to forgive him for not communicating and supporting me more while he was alive. He couldn’t share how much he loved me until now.

The last appearance was from one of my Guides who stressed how loved and protected I was and that I am to continue looking for guideposts on my own path while I serve as a guidepost for others.

The final words shared with me today were; “The I AM essence of Andy is Divine. It is time to stick your toe back in the river of your divinity.” Will be fun to see how that plays out.

Take from this what you will. For me, I had been praying for messages, support, and help while also begging to move on to the next realm. Spirit reached out to a stranger to have them contact me because I was refusing to fully see the Truth myself; I’m supposed to be here, and I still have lots of work to do.

The Universe never ceases to amaze me.


Information Integration

I spent the past three days at Kate Beeders‘ live event in Boston and made this quick video on my way home to share my way of processing and integrating new information.

Any time you take in new information, it is important to find a way to integrate it so you can process your new knowledge and put it into action.

I find that Metallica always helps.

What works for you?

Some days just suck…

Today I learned that an old friend had been identified as the body found in a pond in Deerfield, Illinois yesterday. We had last talked in February. He contacted me because he was very depressed and had been experiencing suicidal thoughts. We talked for a long time. He was unemployed and about to lose his home. We talked about the reality of his situation as well as the self-defeating assumptions he was making about it.

We had met in 2001 when he became my manager at work. We quickly became friends outside of work too. He even had roles in a two short films I made. A couple of years later, he looked out for me at a time when I was extremely depressed. I was often bawling in my office cubicle. He would get me out of the office, take walks with me, make plans to get together on weekends, visit me at home… he was a great and caring friend and certainly one of the coolest bosses anyone could ever hope to have.

For the last month, I kept having the urge to reach out to him. I wanted to see how he was doing, but I kept putting it off. I’m disappointed in him. I’m also disappointed in me. I ignored my intuition. That is why I’m disappointed in me. I didn’t want him to feel like I was checking up on him and decided to let him reach out to me if he wanted to talk about anything. He didn’t. He knew that he could, but he didn’t. That is why I’m disappointed in him.

For anyone like me that walks a path that has them meeting depressed and suicidal people, you know you can’t “save” everyone. I knew when I decided to be open about my experiences with depression and suicide attempts that I’d meet people who would never embrace life. But I never thought it would be someone who had helped me so much when I was so low. I feel that I have failed horribly in returning that favor.

Don’t wait. Don’t delay. Don’t take ANYONE in your life for granted. When somebody crosses your mind, get in touch with them. Better to find it was nothing than to learn you ignored some silent cry for help.

God bless you, Brian.
Love and Light,

Walking Through The Past

Johnny Appleseed School

Johnny Appleseed School

Not sure what triggered it, telling my “story” in an interview with last weekend or an energy clearing class I attended Thursday in which fear and shame came up with some specific childhood memories of being picked on… but visiting my old elementary school popped into my mind when I woke up Friday morning. I do my best to honor my intuition – especially when it doesn’t make logical sense to me.

So on this fine spring Sunday afternoon I put Sadie in my truck and we went to roam around Johnny Appleseed Elementary. I just live a few towns away, but I very rarely drive past the school and am pretty sure I hadn’t visited since 1980.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny

Not sure what I expected to find or experience, but as I approached and got my first glimpse of the building from the road I felt an anxiety building; a bit of dread. I asked myself what was that about – fear of the unknown was the clear answer. Much like the first day of school, I thought to myself which made me laugh and dissolved the tension.

The school looked very much the same from the front, but as I walked around to go out back and see the playground I spent so much time on and the big playing fields behind the school I was met by huge additions to the building. Everything I remembered was mostly gone. The swings we used to get massive air on and then jump as far as we could down a hill were removed, (I’m sure due to that very practice), also the steel pull-up bars and monkey bars we used to have fights on were gone, the giant half-buried tires we played King of the Mountain on had been removed too. Sure, people got hurt almost ever single day, but now how do kids learn to take a tumble and shake it off these days? I had been looking forward to taking a flying jump from the swings today. The only remnant from my time there was a faded four square outline on the oldest section of pavement.

Faded Four Square

The huge playing fields where dreaded gym classes were held, when I would sweat being the last kid picked or not were only half there. Just barely enough room for a decent kickball game now. And all enclosed by a chain-link fence that wasn’t there in my day.

I wondered what the point of my visit was. I walked around and did a bit of tapping, remembering some of the times I was bullied, picked-on, and generally felt like shit there. I stood in the general vicinity of places I knew I stood praying that the ball wouldn’t come near me at all while playing baseball or softball. This school was the first location I remember thinking about suicide. But, I was rather surprised to remember more fun times than bad.

I walked some of the same ground I used to play Six Million Dollar Man on – I was usually Bigfoot.  Running around, tossing other kids all over the place – that was my game. I remembered my gym teacher pulling me aside in one class when I wasn’t paying attention. He told me I had a big, powerful build and I was going to be such a strong man; that I had so much potential and that I should pay attention to who I chose to hang out with and not just goof off. I recall being floored; pretty sure that was the first time any adult told me they saw potential in my or praised my athleticism in any way.  I even ended up doing some after school football following that talk. I avoided all organized sports previously because as an only child and being raised by my mom, I didn’t know how to play anything. It seemed like every kid doing Little League, Pop Warner and the like already knew how to play. Plus everyone who did play sports made fun of the kids on the worst teams. I never tread anywhere near a situation that I had a chance of being at the bottom of.

It’s so odd that I carried more conscious memories of being picked on there than being picked up. Years later that gym teacher moved into my father’s neighborhood and I got to see and talk with him a few times, but I know I never thanked him for that conversation. He died pretty young from cancer, but I hope he knows the positive impact he had on me and so many others.


Where Swings Once Stood