Christmas Eve in Boston

My Christmas Ode to Wayne Dyer

On a recent episode of Real Men Feel, I was talking with Buddy Carchide about social experiments and acts of kindness. I shared a story about Wayne Dyer giving away cash to homeless people on his birthday and said that was always something I wanted to do. It struck me that I’d been saying I want to do this someday for a few years, so I decided to take action and pledged that I would indeed finally do this and on Christmas Eve no less.

I had some money set aside for some year-end giving, and I decided that instead of cutting checks to organizations, I would walk the streets of Boston and hand twenty dollar bills out to homeless people. I thought maybe it would even turn into a Real Men Feel show or at least a short video. Then I began to wonder if I was making it about me, so I opted to make no promises of any sort of a show and didn’t promote what I was planning.

On December 24th, Christmas Eve Day, I googled the Wayne Dyer story to recall the full details of what he had done. Here it is in his words

“…it is May 10, 2011—my 71st birthday. I am in San Francisco to finish filming a movie titled My Greatest Teacher, which is about how I found my father’s grave site in Biloxi, Mississippi, and was able to communicate with and forgive him. I am in my hotel suite, sitting on the bed meditating in the early morning hours. Suddenly I’m overcome with a very strong sensation that I need to be an instrument of an outpouring of unconditional love.

I take a wad of $50 bills and head out of the St. Francis Hotel, and spend the better part of my birthday passing out love and money to homeless people. I give passionate hugs and listen attentively to men with no teeth who are as grubby as you can imagine. I reach out to little ladies who are inspecting trash containers in Union Square for the possibility of a prize in the form of an empty soda can or a discarded plastic water bottle. I don’t notice the filth; I see only the unfolding of God in these vacant eyes. And I am so in love with everyone I touch. I pass out all of the money and return to my hotel room and sit on my bed sobbing in gratitude for what I have been able to experience today. This is the most memorable birthday in my 71 years.”

I loved Wayne Dyer and doing this was a way for me to honor him, be of service to a few people, and express my heartfelt gratitude to life.

I often give change to homeless people I come across. Sometimes a bill or two. Never has it been a $10 or $20 bill. I’m a pretty cheap guy most of the time. I’m also very conscious of getting receipts and documenting my donations for the sake of taxes. I was going to need to get over those issues as well as admit that if I were giving out $50 bills, this would be a much shorter exercise than I wanted.

A little over a year ago I thought I was going to lose my home. That recollection hit me as I parked my Tesla (Wow! What a difference a year can make) in the MBTA garage at Alewife in Cambridge. I chose this spot because there are always people asking for money at the intersections near the station.

On this day, there was only one person out working the corner, and they were on the opposite side of the highway for me to get to them when I arrived. I wondered if this was going to be more challenging than I had anticipated.

I shot an introductory video on my phone, admitting that this might never be seen by anyone because I don’t know how this experiment will unfold. I didn’t know what feelings would arise in me. I was already feeling a bit nervous and wondering if this was some ego stunt. I didn’t know what reactions I’d get from others, and I wasn’t sure how private this experience should really be. But hosting a show called, Real Men Feel, I was ready and willing to capture and share my feelings as best I could.

I got onboard the T and headed for South Station in the center of Boston. I don’t ride the T often, but it seemed more depressing than I recalled. There wasn’t a single thing to make you realize it was Christmas. No lights, no music. It was mostly solitary people staring at the ground or their phones. After a few stops, the car got full, and I heard one man ask for “undivided attention” as he seemed to tell a few his current circumstances and ask for …. something. The noise of the train kept me from hearing him clearly, and the crowd of people ignoring him blocked me from seeing him.

I thought, this is perfect, I’m going push through the crowd of people ignoring him and give the guy some cash. But the next stop came. I got up and moved towards where the voice had come from, but I couldn’t tell who the man was or if he was still on the train. Thoroughly disappointed, I sat back down.

An elderly Asian man with a large bag of empty cans boarded and sat across from me. Perfect, I thought. I smiled and looked at him as he pulled a donut out from his bag of cans and happily ate it. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me, and the noise of the train prevented any casual conversation across the aisle. I considered standing up and handing him some cash, but it hit me that I was judging him and deciding he needed my help. He wasn’t asking for anything. Hadn’t even exchanged a glance with me. For those reasons or others, I didn’t feel right giving him a handout. I thought, this day really is not going at all as I’d imagined.

I wasn’t expecting to be celebrated and rejoiced, but I sure thought it was going to be fun and easy to give people money.

South Station had the most people asking for assistance and I began to feel better about this whole thing. I made a new friend in Jimmy, whose reaction and appreciation made the whole day worth undertaking. Jimmy was proudly clean and sober since July and was looking forward to seeing his family on Christmas Day.

Here are a couple of brief videos I shot, one at my low point of the day and another a bit later.

I walked around at Downtown Crossing, which was crowded with holiday shoppers. I gave money to every street performer and took a few minutes to disappear in a doorway to feel the cold and think about if I had nowhere to go. I recalled the only other time I did anything like this, a homeless experience in San Diego back in 2009 that ended very badly. Tears began to flow as I was overcome with such deep gratitude and compassion. Perhaps this day of giving to others was giving more to me than I’d expected.

Before heading home, I wandered around Kendall Square and Alewife, both of which were now deserted. I ended up giving out only half the cash I had brought with me. I was even prepared to give my coat, hat, and shoes to anyone who asked because I knew how fortunate I was that all I needed to do was get back home and I had plenty of anything I might give away on this afternoon.

I will do this again. Not around the holiday time, perhaps a time when people in need are more likely ignored and forgotten. I’ll give myself all day and see what unfolds. Perhaps this will inspire you to find a new way to be of service in whatever big or small way you can.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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This was originally published on GoodMenProject.com

Floating to nowhere

A Dip into Isolation

Floating to nowhere

Ever since I saw the movie Altered States as a kid, I’ve wanted to experience a sensory deprivation or isolation tank. It is sort of a private hot tub of heavily salted water so that you float and it shuts out all light and sound. Things didn’t turn out so great for William Hurt in the movie but “floating” became a pretty big 80’s thing to do and even now there are quite a few spas that offer floatation therapy. This week, I finally took the plunge.

I simply thought it sounded cool and unique, and I’m always up for new experiences.

I’ve done a lot of personal and spiritual growth work this year with the Modern Mystery School and a ten-month program of Kabbalah, and I decided my first float would be a wonderful way to wrap up the year.

With the lid closed, the floatation pods look a bit like a computer mouse. Inside, it is warm, wet and peaceful. You can have subtle lights and music on to get started; then they shut off after ten minutes. My first thought after closing the lid and laying back on top of the water was, is this what life was like in the womb? My second thought was, I wonder if this next hour is going to feel like all day? It didn’t.

The tankI wanted the full “Altered States” experience, so I quickly shut off the lights and music. It was so dark I couldn’t see any difference between my eyes being opened or closed. At one point I was waving my hand in front of my face to see if I could perceive anything. I ended up smacking myself in the nose.

With the music off, the only sound was my breathing and a bit of a ripple in the water when I moved. The water temperature matches skin temperature which results in not quite knowing where you end, and water begins.

Our current society can feel pretty isolating on its own, thanks to not-so-social media, divisive politics and a general lack of empathy, so why would anyone choose to float alone in the dark? Glad you asked.

Some of the many benefits include:

  • Increased energy levels
  • Improved quality of sleep
  • Heightened production of endorphins
  • Diminished anxiety, depression, and tension
  • Enhanced creativity and problem-solving abilities
  • Increased concentration, memory and mental clarity
  • Improved athletic performance
  • Quickened rehabilitation and recovery
  • Reduced blood pressure and heart rate
  • Improved circulation
  • Reduced instances of neuromuscular aches and pains, inflammation and tendonitis, sprains/strains
  • Strengthened immune system

FloatingFloating is the sort of isolation that allows you to go inward and lose track of the rest of the world without using distractions or addictions. I found it to be very cool, well warm and wet to be more accurate. There is a feeling of complete weightlessness that allows body and mind to relax quickly and deeply, unless you have a fear of the dark or closed spaces.

Sometimes I felt like I was floating in space, other times I’d swear there was a current, and I was floating down a river. Both sensations were very soothing. I don’t think I ever fell asleep, but I definitely zoned out into some natural meditative state. A few times I wanted to roll over before remembering I was laying on water so had to remain on my back.

I live outside of Boston, and the place I visited, Frost and Float Spa, is also used by many professional athletes including members of the Bruins and Patriots. They also had nitrogen freezing pods that offer Whole Body Cryotherapy. They admitted it hurts like hell; then you feel better when it’s done. I was warned that if I heard screams, it was someone in the cryo chamber. The freezing makes all the blood leave your extremities, which hurts, then when they let you out the blood surges back to where it is meant to be, which is supposed to be beneficial and healing. I passed.

But I will float again. It was trippy being supported in nothing but water. It was a beautiful physical experience of how supported we are by life, the Universe, God…. Once I was zoned out, any little twitch I made seemed to create a tidal wave or anytime a toe touched the walls of the pod would be a shock to me. The hour went much faster than I thought it might. The calming, relaxing experience came on without any effort, just by giving over to the “nothingness” surrounding me.

It was like being an olive in the most blissful martini.

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This was originally published on GoodMenProject.com

Discover, Embrace, Be You.

How Are You? Really.

How many times in a regular week does someone ask, ‘How are you?’ Depending on the size of your family, your circle of friends as well where, and if, you work, the answer could be a couple of times to hundreds.

‘How are you,’ is a pretty standard greeting in the United States. More accurately, it is a traditional unconscious non-greeting. Meaning it is most often asked and answered on mental autopilot.

How many times in your life have you honestly answered that question?

Not with some automatic BS response of “OK,” “Good,” or the ever popular and empty, “Fine, how are you?”

Worse than those empty exchange of syllables is an answer that perhaps shares all the troubles of your day, or your life, to the point that the person who asked you wishes they hadn’t.

‘How are you?’ is about right now! It is asking the current status of the lifeform known as ‘your name here.’ The question was not, “Tell me all the reasons you are miserable?”, “What’s gone wrong today so far?” or “Give me all the excuses for your victimhood?”

Ideally, when someone asks ‘How are you’ they genuinely want to know how you are feeling right now, at this moment.

It is your opportunity to raise your awareness and check-in. I encourage you to start answering honestly and perhaps shock the person who is probably automatically asking you the question, to begin with, by giving a meaningful response. Be authentic and open. Partake in a brief conversation that impacts your day.

I had a positive psychology professor who shared the story of one of his professors who always asked, “How are you? Really.” This made people pause and let them know he was truly inquiring about their current emotional, mental, or spiritual status.

I’ve been making use of this statement for the people in my life I care about too. Sometimes they notice and give an honest answer. Sometimes, I can tell they weren’t listening well as I get the same programmed automatic empty response.

‘How are you?’ It isn’t how were you, share your latest drama, or how is everybody in your life except for you. Next time someone asks; pause, take a slow, deep breath, and ask yourself – how am I? Share that answer.

How are you? Really. I’d love to know.

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This was originally published on GoodMenProject.com

Star

A Star Is Born

This is a movie for men

A Star Is Born has been made into a film four times, including the most recent version starring Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. I have not seen any of the prior versions, but as a fan of both Cooper and Gaga, I figured I’d see this at some point.

That point was today.

A Star Is BornMen, don’t fall into the trap that this is some sort of a chick flick. This movie touches so many pain points for masculinity, it should be mandatory viewing for all men. If you like movies, or music (country, rock or pop), if you like Bradley Cooper, or if you enjoy Lady Gaga (I came out of the Gaga closet years ago when I saw her live; she rocks!) you will enjoy this movie.

If you ever had a father, a brother, a lover, a girlfriend, a wife, or a dog; this movie will resonate with you. If you ever dreamed of being in a band, or life on the road; this movie will lift you up. If you’ve ever had any experience with alcoholism; this movie will hit you with a gut punch.

I have no problem admitting to being brought to tears multiple times during A Star Is Born. I sat stuck in my seat until the final credit had rolled by because I was so emotionally moved. Every performance was perfection. The entire cast will have you saying, “Oh my God, it’s him!” The music blew me away, and I’ve already ordered the soundtrack. The story is full of highs, fun, and laughs and also threw me to the ground and steamrolled me.

I host a weekly podcast called Real Men Feel, and this is the first film I’m giving the just invented Real Men Feel Seal of Approval and High Blessing to.

This is one of my favorite films of all time. I’m not sure I ever want to see it again, because having no idea what was going to happen, gave me such a potent ride.

Men, see it.

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This was originally published on GoodMenProject.com

Our new dog, Scout

Answering a Bark in the Night

Meet Scout

I’ve written numerous posts about my three-legged dog, Sadie and how we recently lost her. An episode of Real Men Feel was dedicated to the bond between men and dogs. Some people replace pets quickly, not wanting to be in feelings of grief and loss a moment longer than necessary. I like to give plenty of time to feel everything that is there. To me, giving the loss some time and space to breath is my final way to honor the dog I lost.

After dealing with Sadie’s unexplained seizures for nine months and then having to say goodbye, I thought it might be a year or more before I had any interest in having another dog.

My wife’s been ready to get a dog for a few weeks, maybe longer. I wasn’t. After our ten-month Universal Kabbalah program ended this past weekend, one of the many clearings I experienced was around a next dog.

I visited the Sterling Shelter site on Monday. That is where Sadie and our black and tan coon hound, Homer, before her as well as our current cat, Marge all came from. On the site I scrolled thru 34 dogs. I got to this photo of Scout and cried. I thought that meant I wasn’t ready. I visited again the next day, cried at this picture again, but thought maybe the emotion meant yes.

We made plans to visit the shelter and meet, Scout.

The morning we were to see her, I woke up at 6:15 am because I heard a dog bark. One single bark. I don’t know if it was a dream or what. There was no dog in the house or yard. Cue the Twilight Zone music.

We visited the shelter and learned that Scout is 5 months old and up here from Texas. An elderly couple had her for a month and returned her – I swear that is the emotion I felt looking at her. The pain and sorrow of abandonment.

The couple thought she was too high-energy for them. Luckily, years of three-legged soccer with Sadie have us properly trained for high-energy critters. We even have a bonus 4th leg this time around.

Welcome home, Scout. For reals!

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This was originally published on GoodMenProject.com