Life, You Are Officially Activated!

Today I had an interesting experience and decided to do a video before and after it. I visited The Sanctuary in Acton, MA for a Life Activation by Shawna Pelton. This is a healing that is thousands of years old from the Modern Mystery School.

This is about all I knew: “The Life Activation is a powerful healing modality that enables you to access your potential in life and allows you to see and progress in your journey of growth. This time-tested method has inspired people to move past barriers and achieve breakthroughs in their daily lives. It infuses your body with pure Light, making it’s way through blocks, issues, and weaknesses possibly unknown to  you.

Light makes visible what was hidden in the shadows of your subconscious and gives you the ability to work through what comes up for you to heal. It is really an empowering experience that has helped transform the lives of thousands of people.”




Well, I sure feel activated!


Life Activation

It Gets Better

Last month I really thought I wanted to die. There was a point in December when I was about to order some cyanide to kill myself with. Suicidal thoughts have plagued me for much of my life, but this recent episode was stronger than they’ve been in many years. What made this period so scary was I was taking action on those thoughts. I pursued those dark impulses, fed them and indeed sought out ways to die. Even though I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do, I kept coming back to giving up on everything. It wasn’t until I let people know how bad I’d been feeling that the pressure of those thoughts relented and the sense of immediacy to act on them vanished.

In the past week I’ve been a guest on Hay House Radio, have received multiple rave reviews from mentors for my book, Still Here, have been asked to visit Pennsylvania this spring for an Akashic Records road trip, have gotten my gym regime back up to daily workouts, have had multiple inquiries from potential new coaching clients, have three live events scheduled for next month, have received healings from great energy workers, and have been feeling upbeat, happy and excited once again. Synchronicities and signs I’d been ignoring can no longer be ignored and I’m so in love with life once again.

Yet sitting in an email account I haven’t returned to are probably multiple inquiries from some unknown person in China that I was on the verge of sending hundreds of dollars to for something to end my life.

It gets better. I gets a lot better. It always gets better.

It gets better.

The Golden Ball of Light – a Channeled Poem

For the second time my deceased grandmother has contacted psychic medium, Laura Emerald, to get a message to me. This one was delivered as a poem. This connection was first made almost exactly a year ago, when I found myself in a similar time of prolonged suicidal thoughts. While last year I knew I wasn’t going to act on my self-destructive thoughts (it really felt like things releasing, for good I thought), this year, I wasn’t so sure. Last month I was as close to making an attempt as I’ve been in years.

Here is the poem my Gram gifted me.

Golden Ball of EnergyThe Golden Ball of Light

Andy Dear ~ here’s a Teddy Bear
For you to hold when feeling fear.

When you are sad, feeling alone and the world not right,
Think of me, your Gram, filling you with golden light.

Imagine a ball, big, and huge with love
That fills your head with sunshine from above.

Now Andy I am watching you
and know you’re testing spirits too…

I think you need a new measuring stick
to determine your self worth extremely quick!

For Andy ~ You are the I AM ~ Truly You ARE
And you’re seeking something external~thinking it’s far!

When in fact Andy, what you seek is on the inside
Your cells and soul~ You are God and from that you can’t hide.

So I ask you now to hold a mirror up
And know that what you see is a God hologram ~ Yup!

You feel this to be true but it turns your world upside down…
Realizing the Divine is YOU ~ means honoring your Body, Mind, and Soul this time ’round.

Andy Dear, I so want you to be happy
but I can’t give you that  or I would ~ yes, it’s sappy.

But I can tell you to make this your Wayne Dyer Year!
Listen to all of his writings, internalize it, and let go of your fear!

The world needs your light and your work’s not done
So please my dear, set aside thoughts of going dark and on the run.

Band together with your Spirit Guides, and ask the Angels for help too
and know that I’m seeing your heart true.

Please let me leave you with this thought,
You are like a Domino and your actions aren’t for naught.

Your actions have ripples and make people think
YOU are a positive impact so step back from the brink.

Your end is not to be a domino slide down a hole
Leaving your loved ones wondering and blaming their role.

Go out in Glory with your body old and weary
And loved ones honoring you all weepy and teary.

Let your Accomplishments pile high
Your life an inspiration…

Note: The poem is intentionally unfinished because my Gram says my life, my work, and my time on Earth is not finished.

Laura has recently released a short book of channeled poetry. She tells me she’s not a poet at all, but that is how Spirit communicates on occasion. Check out We Are Here: Whispers of Love from Laura Emerald.

2015 Was Great… Until It Wasn’t

2015-20162015 was a rocking good year for me and I hope for you as well. I released, what I feel is my best and most powerful book, Still Here: How to Succeed in Life After Failing at Suicide. I did Akashic Records readings for over 100 individuals, had speaking gigs at Simmons College and at Possibilities in Paradise in Key West, FL. Lead a monthly business development and networking group. Joined a great group of people in Project Positive Change. Lori and I both met Amma, the Hugging Saint, launched internet radio shows, and we put together our first multi-day event, the Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza in October. October also had some of the most intense personal growth work I’ve ever done with Panache Desai, both in an online program and then a live weekend at Kripalu.

Then…. I crashed. I was worried about crashing. I expected to bottom out after the stress and fun of planning and putting on a 3 day event. I was also worried that this winter might bring me back to a depressive time as last winter did. Of course what I worried about and focused on came to be.

But it was different. I felt empty. I expected to have some big aha’s, goals, and clarity from all the personal work I did in October. But, November came and I felt empty and apathetic. I withdrew from pretty much everything. Lori forced me to get up and out for the few commitments I had and I did have a fantastic time at the Natural Living Expo in early November doing over 30 mini Akashic Records readings in two days. I felt so… high, so much love. But the day after I woke with dread. Back to feeling flat and unmotivated. All I wanted to do was sleep. None of the things that interested me just weeks before roused me at all. All the goals I thought I had became meaningless to me.

I wasn’t emotional and teary, I just felt done and empty. I attempted to leave this world via meditation, I hoped to vibrate out of this realm. I overdosed on apathy. Each morning I woke up, I was disappointed that I was still here.

Over the weeks of November and December I gave in to my suicidal thoughts. I investigated ways to die, finding new options online. I plotted, planned and set dates like I haven’t in years. But the Universe kept showing me that wasn’t the path. Lots of synchronistic phone calls from friends lead to me finally breaking down in tears and sharing how bad it had gotten. As I tried to join various internet groups on suicide, my login info would never show up. I discovered a new simple, pain-free way to die only to find that product no longer available. Once I contacted someone in another country willing to sell me a substance to die from, they had it, but then said they couldn’t ship to the US. I was excited each time I found a way out, then was disappointed when I couldn’t pull it off. There were numerous little things like this that kept preventing my suicide plans. I was able to laugh and see the absurdity that everything was aligning to keep me alive, yet I kept ignoring that.

On one of my worse days I got a message from someone who was transcribing an interview I had done about a year and a half earlier about my experiences with depressions and suicide for Live Through This. She reached out to thank me and say how much she enjoyed what I had shared. I felt good, on purpose again. That is until the next dawn broke and I was back to dreading another day. I buried myself in TV and internet news with all the ISIS coverage, convincing myself the world was screwed and it was time to leave. I prayed, meditated and did energy work attempting to leave this shell. I ignored everything, business, bills, health, gym, holidays… On another bad day my full story went live, the best I could do was skim it. I wasn’t interested enough in myself to read some perhaps uplifting things I’d said in the past. As thanks and praise came in for that, I felt faker and faker.

As someone who has opened up more and more to their own spiritual aspect, this round of suicidal thoughts seemed more driven by that spiritual sense. When I was younger I wanted to die because I thought I just wanted everything to end. I didn’t believe in anything after death. I wanted my pain, me, to stop. Today, I know death isn’t the end of anything except this physical experience, and that is what I was so interested in ending.

I’ve debated for weeks about sharing any of this. In my books and talks I let people know that if you’ve ever seriously considered suicide or made an attempt, that option will always be there. Yet, I somehow expect it to be different for me. I should be done with this. When those self-destructive ideas come back to me I feel like a fraud and a poser. I feel hopeless and helpless. I don’t have any driving vision, mission or “big why” to keep me going.

I’m still here. I know suicide isn’t the answer for me, but for some reason that doesn’t stop me from going down that road from time to time. I have friends who say I’m the most positive person on Facebook. So when I’m not living up to that, I withdraw. I disappear as sort of a practice for dying. My self-judgment says for me to be a coach, author and speaker that I need to be the perfect suicide attempt survivor. That I must always be up and positive. Well, I am unfortunately a human being and my journey is full of failures, quitting and giving up as I am confronted by my greatest enemy; me.

What people in personal growth and spirituality don’t talk about is the downside. The crash that can follow spiritual highs. If I can feel that good, that awesome, that full of love and life when I’m coaching someone, presenting or doing an Akashic Records reading – then why can’t I maintain it? Why can’t I stay there? My pursuing my suicidal thoughts, my not seeking help to change them is a distorted way for me to return to and stay in that spiritual high. It is an attempt to free my soul.

I’m finally writing this today because someone called me noticing I hadn’t blogged since October. I am living proof that depression and suicidal thoughts can be overcome. I’m also proof that being an uplifting, positive, spiritual person doesn’t guarantee smooth sailing every day.  If you made it this far, I hope something here serves you. Sometimes all I’ve got is my willingness to share.

Wishing you your best year yet in 2016,


Deep Density Detox, part 2

My 8 day Deep Density Detox with Panache Desai officially ended Monday, but of course it hasn’t ended. I continue to be overcome at random times with tears, usually accompanied with tremendous fear. Fear that these tears and pain are not going to end. Fear that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Fear that there is too much to release. Fear that I’m not good at life. I continue to be stunned and amazed how much I’ve been driven by fear. Looking back I can so easily see that fear preceded every bought of depression and suicide attempt going back to my earliest days.

I know there is a reason for my going through all of this, because otherwise I wouldn’t be going through it. I know I’m here to be a teacher and a leader, sometimes it just really sucks to lead by example; to be willing to go to the darkest places and feel what is there. But that is the only way to release our fears, pains and doubts. I’m doing my best to surrender; to allow whatever shows up to show up. To not judge it or condemn myself (that is the hardest part for me).

I’ve also had tremendous feelings of peace, safety and love through this too. I don’t want anyone to think I’m shuddering in pain and fear around the clock. Not even close. It is just the moments of terror are so amazingly strong that they create a short term memory lapse, and it is only after I bawl, sob and wail that I’m back to the peace. It is hard to explain and hard to experience.

This weekend I’m going to a live event with Panache at Kripalu Yoga & Retreat Center in western Mass. It is my reward to myself for completing the recent 3 day Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza event. I bought this program before I discovered the Deep Density Detox and I thought “how cool, I can do these back to back!” The sometimes tortuous experience of being me has me reconsidering exactly how cool an idea this combination is, but on I go. On you go. On we all shall go.

I don’t know if I’ve prayed, begged and screamed for surrender and peace as much as I have the last few days. Actually, I know I have, what is different know is that I’m not trying to end my life at the same time. I share this with you so that if you ever find yourself there you know you aren’t the first, the only one and you are certainly not alone.

Here are the final 4 days of my Deep Density Detox journey.

Day 5, Oct 34, 2015. The corner has been turned! It isn’t about releasing emotions, it is about releasing our judgment of them.

Day 6, Oct 24, 2015. Vibrational forgiveness – much more than saying I’m sorry. When we allow ourselves to fully feel the pain of the original hurt/trauma until there is peace, that is true forgiveness.

Day 7, Oct 25, 2015. The Purge. This shit is hard. I am willing to let who I thought I was die.

Day 8, Oct 26, 2015. Final day. Be willing to feel whatever shows up in your life. Feeling your emotions fully in the moment they arise, without judgment, is the key to truly being in the flow of life. This journey has been about accepting, allowing, and appreciating. Lessons I’ve learned and shared often, but I’ve now experienced at yet another level.

It isn’t always fun being a human being willing to wake up, be aware and not numb out with distractions and addictions. But it is worth it.
Be good to yourself,


PS – WOW, while putting finishing touches on this post, Panache Desai just went live on Facebook video to reminding me to surrender and to love all parts of me. Thank you. I feel so much… lighter than when I began writing this. I hope my sharing of this journey serves you.