2015 Was Great… Until It Wasn’t

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2015-20162015 was a rocking good year for me and I hope for you as well. I released, what I feel is my best and most powerful book, Still Here: How to Succeed in Life After Failing at Suicide. I did Akashic Records readings for over 100 individuals, had speaking gigs at Simmons College and at Possibilities in Paradise in Key West, FL. Lead a monthly business development and networking group. Joined a great group of people in Project Positive Change. Lori and I both met Amma, the Hugging Saint, launched internet radio shows, and we put together our first multi-day event, the Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza in October. October also had some of the most intense personal growth work I’ve ever done with Panache Desai, both in an online program and then a live weekend at Kripalu.

Then…. I crashed. I was worried about crashing. I expected to bottom out after the stress and fun of planning and putting on a 3 day event. I was also worried that this winter might bring me back to a depressive time as last winter did. Of course what I worried about and focused on came to be.

But it was different. I felt empty. I expected to have some big aha’s, goals, and clarity from all the personal work I did in October. But, November came and I felt empty and apathetic. I withdrew from pretty much everything. Lori forced me to get up and out for the few commitments I had and I did have a fantastic time at the Natural Living Expo in early November doing over 30 mini Akashic Records readings in two days. I felt so… high, so much love. But the day after I woke with dread. Back to feeling flat and unmotivated. All I wanted to do was sleep. None of the things that interested me just weeks before roused me at all. All the goals I thought I had became meaningless to me.

I wasn’t emotional and teary, I just felt done and empty. I attempted to leave this world via meditation, I hoped to vibrate out of this realm. I overdosed on apathy. Each morning I woke up, I was disappointed that I was still here.

Over the weeks of November and December I gave in to my suicidal thoughts. I investigated ways to die, finding new options online. I plotted, planned and set dates like I haven’t in years. But the Universe kept showing me that wasn’t the path. Lots of synchronistic phone calls from friends lead to me finally breaking down in tears and sharing how bad it had gotten. As I tried to join various internet groups on suicide, my login info would never show up. I discovered a new simple, pain-free way to die only to find that product no longer available. Once I contacted someone in another country willing to sell me a substance to die from, they had it, but then said they couldn’t ship to the US. I was excited each time I found a way out, then was disappointed when I couldn’t pull it off. There were numerous little things like this that kept preventing my suicide plans. I was able to laugh and see the absurdity that everything was aligning to keep me alive, yet I kept ignoring that.

On one of my worse days I got a message from someone who was transcribing an interview I had done about a year and a half earlier about my experiences with depressions and suicide for Live Through This. She reached out to thank me and say how much she enjoyed what I had shared. I felt good, on purpose again. That is until the next dawn broke and I was back to dreading another day. I buried myself in TV and internet news with all the ISIS coverage, convincing myself the world was screwed and it was time to leave. I prayed, meditated and did energy work attempting to leave this shell. I ignored everything, business, bills, health, gym, holidays… On another bad day my LiveThroughThis.org full story went live, the best I could do was skim it. I wasn’t interested enough in myself to read some perhaps uplifting things I’d said in the past. As thanks and praise came in for that, I felt faker and faker.

As someone who has opened up more and more to their own spiritual aspect, this round of suicidal thoughts seemed more driven by that spiritual sense. When I was younger I wanted to die because I thought I just wanted everything to end. I didn’t believe in anything after death. I wanted my pain, me, to stop. Today, I know death isn’t the end of anything except this physical experience, and that is what I was so interested in ending.

I’ve debated for weeks about sharing any of this. In my books and talks I let people know that if you’ve ever seriously considered suicide or made an attempt, that option will always be there. Yet, I somehow expect it to be different for me. I should be done with this. When those self-destructive ideas come back to me I feel like a fraud and a poser. I feel hopeless and helpless. I don’t have any driving vision, mission or “big why” to keep me going.

I’m still here. I know suicide isn’t the answer for me, but for some reason that doesn’t stop me from going down that road from time to time. I have friends who say I’m the most positive person on Facebook. So when I’m not living up to that, I withdraw. I disappear as sort of a practice for dying. My self-judgment says for me to be a coach, author and speaker that I need to be the perfect suicide attempt survivor. That I must always be up and positive. Well, I am unfortunately a human being and my journey is full of failures, quitting and giving up as I am confronted by my greatest enemy; me.

What people in personal growth and spirituality don’t talk about is the downside. The crash that can follow spiritual highs. If I can feel that good, that awesome, that full of love and life when I’m coaching someone, presenting or doing an Akashic Records reading – then why can’t I maintain it? Why can’t I stay there? My pursuing my suicidal thoughts, my not seeking help to change them is a distorted way for me to return to and stay in that spiritual high. It is an attempt to free my soul.

I’m finally writing this today because someone called me noticing I hadn’t blogged since October. I am living proof that depression and suicidal thoughts can be overcome. I’m also proof that being an uplifting, positive, spiritual person doesn’t guarantee smooth sailing every day.  If you made it this far, I hope something here serves you. Sometimes all I’ve got is my willingness to share.

Wishing you your best year yet in 2016,

Andy

Deep Density Detox, part 2

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My 8 day Deep Density Detox with Panache Desai officially ended Monday, but of course it hasn’t ended. I continue to be overcome at random times with tears, usually accompanied with tremendous fear. Fear that these tears and pain are not going to end. Fear that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Fear that there is too much to release. Fear that I’m not good at life. I continue to be stunned and amazed how much I’ve been driven by fear. Looking back I can so easily see that fear preceded every bought of depression and suicide attempt going back to my earliest days.

I know there is a reason for my going through all of this, because otherwise I wouldn’t be going through it. I know I’m here to be a teacher and a leader, sometimes it just really sucks to lead by example; to be willing to go to the darkest places and feel what is there. But that is the only way to release our fears, pains and doubts. I’m doing my best to surrender; to allow whatever shows up to show up. To not judge it or condemn myself (that is the hardest part for me).

I’ve also had tremendous feelings of peace, safety and love through this too. I don’t want anyone to think I’m shuddering in pain and fear around the clock. Not even close. It is just the moments of terror are so amazingly strong that they create a short term memory lapse, and it is only after I bawl, sob and wail that I’m back to the peace. It is hard to explain and hard to experience.

This weekend I’m going to a live event with Panache at Kripalu Yoga & Retreat Center in western Mass. It is my reward to myself for completing the recent 3 day Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza event. I bought this program before I discovered the Deep Density Detox and I thought “how cool, I can do these back to back!” The sometimes tortuous experience of being me has me reconsidering exactly how cool an idea this combination is, but on I go. On you go. On we all shall go.

I don’t know if I’ve prayed, begged and screamed for surrender and peace as much as I have the last few days. Actually, I know I have, what is different know is that I’m not trying to end my life at the same time. I share this with you so that if you ever find yourself there you know you aren’t the first, the only one and you are certainly not alone.

Here are the final 4 days of my Deep Density Detox journey.

Day 5, Oct 34, 2015. The corner has been turned! It isn’t about releasing emotions, it is about releasing our judgment of them.

Day 6, Oct 24, 2015. Vibrational forgiveness – much more than saying I’m sorry. When we allow ourselves to fully feel the pain of the original hurt/trauma until there is peace, that is true forgiveness.

Day 7, Oct 25, 2015. The Purge. This shit is hard. I am willing to let who I thought I was die.

Day 8, Oct 26, 2015. Final day. Be willing to feel whatever shows up in your life. Feeling your emotions fully in the moment they arise, without judgment, is the key to truly being in the flow of life. This journey has been about accepting, allowing, and appreciating. Lessons I’ve learned and shared often, but I’ve now experienced at yet another level.

It isn’t always fun being a human being willing to wake up, be aware and not numb out with distractions and addictions. But it is worth it.
Be good to yourself,
Andy

 

PS – WOW, while putting finishing touches on this post, Panache Desai just went live on Facebook video to reminding me to surrender and to love all parts of me. Thank you. I feel so much… lighter than when I began writing this. I hope my sharing of this journey serves you.

Love

Deep Density Detox, Part 1

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This month I decided to embark on an energetic and emotional cleanse with Panache Desai known as a Deep Density Detox. It is just 8 days long with some morning and evening meditations, group calls and daily video training from Panache. When I saw the video invite to this program a few weeks ago, I was immediately in tears and knew it was something I was needing. I decided it would be cool to do a daily video. Once I started however, creating a video diary did not feel like such a cool thing, but I stuck with it.

Here are the first 4 days of my journey.

Day 1, Oct 19, 2015. Terror and wanting to be liked.

Day 2, Oct 20, 2015. I am not my stories nor am I my past experiences.

Day 3, Oct 21, 2015. Dissolving limited beliefs.

Day 4, Oct 22, 2015. Detaching from drama.

Being fully conscious – or at least attempting to be – is no pleasure cruise. I trust that my open sharing somehow serves you in your personal growth.
Be good to yourself,
Andy

Watch Live and Get Two Weeks of Replays for Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza!

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Transform yourself, transform your business with UEE livestream and two weeks of replay access!

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At UEE you’ll do the inner work that allows your outer work to flow easily and abundantly!

In-person registration for Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza has closed, but you can join us via livestream October 9 – 11, 2015. Over 20 hours of content will be streamed to you, live beginning at 7:30pm Eastern Friday Oct 9! Register here and access the entire weekend for less than the cost of working with any one of the eight speakers for an hour. PLUS – you’ll get access to the replay for two weeks to review anything you miss or want to watch again.

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Join Lori Grant, Andy Grant, Project Positive Change founder, Leigh Daniel and five amazing guest speakers: Brad Hudson, Phillipa Kiripatea, Dena Gould, Sally Hendrick and Gary Keil for a powerful weekend intensive of business development and personal growth this October 9 – 11 called Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza! Even if you have plans for the weekend, you won’t miss a thing because you’ll get to watch the replay for two weeks! Act now to ensure your access. Register here.

Join us live beginning Friday at 7:30pm or catch up with replays through October 25th!

Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza 3 day event

Pete’s Angelic Army

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This is one of those sorts of posts that I write for me. If you get something from it too, super.

It was Pete’s Angelic Army to my rescue today. I’m in Key West, Florida this weekend for Possibilities in Paradise, an event that I’m a guest speaker at. Yesterday I gave my, “Six Keys to Loving Your Life” presentation which includes me talking about my experiences with depression and suicide. None of the 45 attendees had any idea my talk would touch on suicide, but the audience had numerous people who have been touched personally and deeply by suicide, so there were a lot of tears which also lead to laughs and healing.

Archangel-Michael-3Last night we all went on a sunset cruise with a band and open bar. I’ve never attended a personal growth event that also had a strong dash of spring break in it. I also don’t drink very much at all any more because if I drink alcohol I can’t work in the Akashic Records for 48 hours. I’ve also found that for me, alcohol lowers my vibration and makes energy work more difficult. But I’m also not sure how to navigate myself around people who are drinking, wanted the full Key West experience, and since I had no planned work in the Records this weekend I decided to drink. Most people decided to drink. Some more than they have in some time too.

Towards the end of the cruise a few people were in rough shape and I kept an eye on them as I am pretty good at recognizing the face of someone in a black out. I quickly recalled how much I enjoyed the protector role at parties years ago – as a guest or working as a bouncer. I felt my old glory days of college keg parties, keeping friends safe and diffusing situations.

I kept people upright and unhurt as needed on the boat and guided them safely ashore. A group of fellow protectors helped get a couple of folks to cabs and back to the hotel for an early night, then I held up the tail end of our party train down Duval St – the Bourbon Street of Key West. I kept people from verging off on their own into unplanned bar stops, picked some folks up off the ground and did my best to keep the group together and on task to the planned karaoke destination. I had multiple ladies praising me, saying I’m their new best friend, there was even an “I love Andy Grant” scream on the sidewalks a couple of times. I loved it. I ate it all up. Feeling very full of myself. Intoxicated ego reveling in my acclaim.

This morning I felt low as soon as I woke. I wasn’t hungover as I switched to water for hours before going to bed, but my energy was low. As the morning progressed I realized none of the people I helped remembered any of it. I was disappointed and hurt, which then had me judging myself. Was I helping people last night out of the goodness of my being, or was I doing it in anticipation of thanks later. If they didn’t remember my helping them, did I really help anyone? What sort of tool am I that I need to be recognized for helping someone out?

I felt some feelings I’ve felt often, but not in quite a while. I felt invisible and alone, even when surrounded by people. I’d already lost my new best friends from the night before. I recalled my long history of attempting to be the savior, the hero, only to discover that nice guys finish last.

The first speaker this morning asked what we wanted to give up. I said to myself, judgment. He asked us to visualize the person we wanted to be, the person who no longer had what I wanted to give up: judgement. I couldn’t. My judgement of everyone there and myself went into overdrive. Then he spoke about authenticity and had people pair up to share how they really felt. I was on the verge of tears. Every pain of unrequited love or even interest was unleashed and continued to bubble up. I left the group and walked away on my own (another long pattern of mine), I kept trying to feel it to clear it but I’d get a couple of tears to flow, which took the edge off and everything retreated. I couldn’t get myself over the hump to a full release. I only came back to the location after that presentation was over to grab my stuff then walked back to the hotel alone – on the verge of tears a few times, but not getting a full release. I’m acting on the lamest aspects of myself. Did anyone even notice I left? Does anyone care? I wished I could fly home right then.

I get back to my room, do some energy work to clear whatever this shit is; a few more tears. I try journaling and all my 3 roommates comes in one at a time. Nobody speaks to me. Yup, I’m invisible. I judge me, I judge them, I judge this trip a failure.

After contemplating not going at all, I join some folks for the walk to the next event, a restaurant for brunch. Waiting for others to gather there, one person asks, how are you? I Tell her the truth, not good and then I’m crying. I finally feel better, but still not the full release I’m needing.

Through multiple speakers the rest of the day I’m triggered and on the verge of tears. At one point we all sing You Are So Beautiful to ourselves. I lose it. Then we are supposed to celebrate. I hug one of my favorite people. I lose it, crying the hardest of the day finally.

I retreat to my room again, trying to get myself into full-out bawling and wailing to move past this shit. Not happening. I decide to go look for Pete who does powerful work with Angels. I had thought of talking to him earlier this morning, but he was busy. I find him, open my mouth to speak and my throat immediately closes as the tears flow. He stands and says let’s go.

It feels like it takes 20 minutes of sitting with him before I can finally vocalize; I need your help. Then the floodgates open and I’m bawling like a newborn. He does a full angelic scan and clearing on me. Calling in multiple Archangels for love and support. He goes into some labored breathing and painful sounding wails moving the energy within me, feeling my pain. My legs twitch and I sob and sob. At one point Pete is literally choking as he takes on my shit and I wonder if I need to stop this somehow and help him.

He sees lots of old wounds in my heart. Lots of abuse carried in my abdomen, sexual abuse that hasn’t been spoken of. Then some dark stuff not willing to leave. He got “righteously angry” yelling “get out NOW!” twice. With a jolt, I felt lighter and my entire body is quivering. My head feels three feet wide. He opens my crown chakra and says, “Wow.” He usually sees light there for me he sees the whole universe. Pete tells me I’m very well-connected and all the Archangels want me to know how blessed and loved I am.

I finally feel like I’ve released it. Feel fresh and light but also chewed up and spit out at the same time. Pete’s Angelic Army to the rescue. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You can experience Pete at www.petecossaboon.com

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