A few years ago I made a video that shared what I believe is the true reason behind most suicide attempts, a lack of self-love. During many times of depression and desperation, I cursed and blamed things outside of me. I also cursed and blamed myself. I thought that I hated myself and that is why I wanted to die. Actually, I hated how I felt. I hated my own thoughts.
As my own spiritual awareness has grown over the years I sometimes find it difficult to remember what it was like when I wasn’t willing to love myself. This is common anytime we learn something new, eventually we forget what life was like before we developed the new understanding, skill or insight. Internet marketer, Jeff Walker, refers to this as the Curse of Knowledge.
Liking me and loving me are different. I did not always realize that. There are still plenty of times that I don’t like me — to be more specific, I’m referring to moments when I don’t like what I’m thinking, feeling, or doing. It could be what I’m doing to myself or to other people. I may be acting out in ways I thought I was beyond, or having thoughts I was sure I that I was done with long ago. I am bigger than me. “Me” is this human being known as Andy Grant, who can still get caught up in judgment, negative self-talk, and patterns that don’t support me. I, or I AM, is the bigger version of me, my spiritual aspect or my Higher Self if you are familiar with that term. Even when I don’t like me, especially when I don’t like me, it is vitally important that I’m willing to love me. I’m willing to love this crazy life, my own brain and habits. Just being willing brings me a sense of peace I never used to have when I thought I was my thoughts, feelings and actions.
We can all love ourselves even when we don’t like particularly like us. I find that allowing the broader perspective of love melts away the insistence that whatever shitty thing I’m going through will be the way it is always. When I’m willing to love my challenges, my setbacks, my growth… ALL of it, I can exhale and everything is easier. You can hate what you’re doing or what you’re thinking, but still love you. We do it all the time with pets and children. They do something you don’t like, something you may hate and scream and shout about. But you still love them. Give that gift to you, too.
When you don’t like yourself, when you don’t like what you are thinking, feeling or doing – be willing to love yourself anyway. Love your contradictions. Love your chaos. Love that an old scab has been picked off. Love that there is still healing to be done. Be willing to love that you keep going. Be willing to be amazed at your own resilience, growth and perseverance. Be willing to love that there is still work to do, for if there wasn’t you wouldn’t be here.
Unconditional love means that I love me, even when I don’t love what I’m thinking, feeling, or doing. And that is the greatest gift, the greatest skill, the greatest habit anyone can develop. The best part is that we are all capable of developing it. And we are all worthy of that love, too.