The Golden Ball of Light – a Channeled Poem

For the second time my deceased grandmother has contacted psychic medium, Laura Emerald, to get a message to me. This one was delivered as a poem. This connection was first made almost exactly a year ago, when I found myself in a similar time of prolonged suicidal thoughts. While last year I knew I wasn’t going to act on my self-destructive thoughts (it really felt like things releasing, for good I thought), this year, I wasn’t so sure. Last month I was as close to making an attempt as I’ve been in years.

Here is the poem my Gram gifted me.

Golden Ball of EnergyThe Golden Ball of Light

Andy Dear ~ here’s a Teddy Bear
For you to hold when feeling fear.

When you are sad, feeling alone and the world not right,
Think of me, your Gram, filling you with golden light.

Imagine a ball, big, and huge with love
That fills your head with sunshine from above.

Now Andy I am watching you
and know you’re testing spirits too…

I think you need a new measuring stick
to determine your self worth extremely quick!

For Andy ~ You are the I AM ~ Truly You ARE
And you’re seeking something external~thinking it’s far!

When in fact Andy, what you seek is on the inside
Your cells and soul~ You are God and from that you can’t hide.

So I ask you now to hold a mirror up
And know that what you see is a God hologram ~ Yup!

You feel this to be true but it turns your world upside down…
Realizing the Divine is YOU ~ means honoring your Body, Mind, and Soul this time ’round.

Andy Dear, I so want you to be happy
but I can’t give you that  or I would ~ yes, it’s sappy.

But I can tell you to make this your Wayne Dyer Year!
Listen to all of his writings, internalize it, and let go of your fear!

The world needs your light and your work’s not done
So please my dear, set aside thoughts of going dark and on the run.

Band together with your Spirit Guides, and ask the Angels for help too
and know that I’m seeing your heart true.

Please let me leave you with this thought,
You are like a Domino and your actions aren’t for naught.

Your actions have ripples and make people think
YOU are a positive impact so step back from the brink.

Your end is not to be a domino slide down a hole
Leaving your loved ones wondering and blaming their role.

Go out in Glory with your body old and weary
And loved ones honoring you all weepy and teary.

Let your Accomplishments pile high
Your life an inspiration…

Note: The poem is intentionally unfinished because my Gram says my life, my work, and my time on Earth is not finished.

Laura has recently released a short book of channeled poetry. She tells me she’s not a poet at all, but that is how Spirit communicates on occasion. Check out We Are Here: Whispers of Love from Laura Emerald.

Deep Density Detox, part 2

My 8 day Deep Density Detox with Panache Desai officially ended Monday, but of course it hasn’t ended. I continue to be overcome at random times with tears, usually accompanied with tremendous fear. Fear that these tears and pain are not going to end. Fear that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Fear that there is too much to release. Fear that I’m not good at life. I continue to be stunned and amazed how much I’ve been driven by fear. Looking back I can so easily see that fear preceded every bought of depression and suicide attempt going back to my earliest days.

I know there is a reason for my going through all of this, because otherwise I wouldn’t be going through it. I know I’m here to be a teacher and a leader, sometimes it just really sucks to lead by example; to be willing to go to the darkest places and feel what is there. But that is the only way to release our fears, pains and doubts. I’m doing my best to surrender; to allow whatever shows up to show up. To not judge it or condemn myself (that is the hardest part for me).

I’ve also had tremendous feelings of peace, safety and love through this too. I don’t want anyone to think I’m shuddering in pain and fear around the clock. Not even close. It is just the moments of terror are so amazingly strong that they create a short term memory lapse, and it is only after I bawl, sob and wail that I’m back to the peace. It is hard to explain and hard to experience.

This weekend I’m going to a live event with Panache at Kripalu Yoga & Retreat Center in western Mass. It is my reward to myself for completing the recent 3 day Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza event. I bought this program before I discovered the Deep Density Detox and I thought “how cool, I can do these back to back!” The sometimes tortuous experience of being me has me reconsidering exactly how cool an idea this combination is, but on I go. On you go. On we all shall go.

I don’t know if I’ve prayed, begged and screamed for surrender and peace as much as I have the last few days. Actually, I know I have, what is different know is that I’m not trying to end my life at the same time. I share this with you so that if you ever find yourself there you know you aren’t the first, the only one and you are certainly not alone.

Here are the final 4 days of my Deep Density Detox journey.

Day 5, Oct 34, 2015. The corner has been turned! It isn’t about releasing emotions, it is about releasing our judgment of them.

Day 6, Oct 24, 2015. Vibrational forgiveness – much more than saying I’m sorry. When we allow ourselves to fully feel the pain of the original hurt/trauma until there is peace, that is true forgiveness.

Day 7, Oct 25, 2015. The Purge. This shit is hard. I am willing to let who I thought I was die.

Day 8, Oct 26, 2015. Final day. Be willing to feel whatever shows up in your life. Feeling your emotions fully in the moment they arise, without judgment, is the key to truly being in the flow of life. This journey has been about accepting, allowing, and appreciating. Lessons I’ve learned and shared often, but I’ve now experienced at yet another level.

It isn’t always fun being a human being willing to wake up, be aware and not numb out with distractions and addictions. But it is worth it.
Be good to yourself,


PS – WOW, while putting finishing touches on this post, Panache Desai just went live on Facebook video to reminding me to surrender and to love all parts of me. Thank you. I feel so much… lighter than when I began writing this. I hope my sharing of this journey serves you.


Deep Density Detox, Part 1

This month I decided to embark on an energetic and emotional cleanse with Panache Desai known as a Deep Density Detox. It is just 8 days long with some morning and evening meditations, group calls and daily video training from Panache. When I saw the video invite to this program a few weeks ago, I was immediately in tears and knew it was something I was needing. I decided it would be cool to do a daily video. Once I started however, creating a video diary did not feel like such a cool thing, but I stuck with it.

Here are the first 4 days of my journey.

Day 1, Oct 19, 2015. Terror and wanting to be liked.

Day 2, Oct 20, 2015. I am not my stories nor am I my past experiences.

Day 3, Oct 21, 2015. Dissolving limited beliefs.

Day 4, Oct 22, 2015. Detaching from drama.

Being fully conscious – or at least attempting to be – is no pleasure cruise. I trust that my open sharing somehow serves you in your personal growth.
Be good to yourself,

Releasing Our Fears

When something is troubling you, have you ever heard advice like release it; let it go, and wonder how? Or maybe you have kids still running around the house singing “Let if Go” from Frozen and wish they would let that go.
FearI sometimes forget how easy it is to release a thought, a fear, a doubt. We are taught to think things through, analyze, contemplate and rarely to share. I was recently spinning in my head, triggered and upset with fears of the future, fears of what will I do next, where will money come from, what do I want for my life – and I focused on all the times I’ve had these thoughts and that they should all be figured out and settled by now. I was ashamed of what I was thinking and how I was feeling. That didn’t help. I got upset. Verge of tears. I halfheartedly attempted to resolve it with some meditation and sitting outside, but it still kept circling in my head.
It wasn’t until I spoke to another human being that the release happened. It didn’t happen while I rambled on trying to explain how I felt and what was going on. It happened when I stated the driving fear out loud. “I’m afraid I’m letting people down.” It was pointed out to me that I’m not letting anyone down. ah, the fear is I’m going to. “I’m afraid I’m going to let people down.”
And with that…. the stress, the tight throat, the misery vanished. Wow.
There is freedom when you speak your fear. There is a release of your shame when you let it escape your head. You stop the seemingly never-ending rumination. As that fear, that energy, leaves you and sees the light of day, it dissolves. Hearing it out loud, having that energy outside of my body, I could see and feel that it was nonsense. There was nothing there except the mental anguish I was putting into it.
So please, whatever is troubling you, whatever you are fearing… state it, share it, speak it out loud to someone so you can feel that freedom.