FU: I Love You

The first time I ever did a “fuck you, I love you” post it was how I signed off on a video after a friend seemed to die by suicide. It was unplanned wording that perfectly reflected how I was feeling. I used it again in a video after Robin William’s suicide (wow, two years ago for both). In each case, I was saying that I loved them, the person, but I was pissed at how they went out. The “fuck you” was to suicide.

I find myself thinking those same seemingly opposed thoughts, fuck you and I love you, in regards to my father. I wrote a post earlier today for called Strong Enough to Be Sad (read it now if you want to be fully up to speed before proceeding. It’s short and I’ll wait.).

I often tell my coaching clients that they can love someone and still be angry, annoyed, bitter, resentful or frustrated with them. Unconditional love doesn’t mean you don’t also have other emotions, it means beneath all the other emotions, even the so-called ‘negative’ ones, there is love. Unconditional love for yourself means loving you even when you can’t stand you.

Today I brought my dad to see his oncologist for an appointment that we both knew meant cancer was back. He’s already had surgery to remove cancer from his colon and kidneys. While sitting in the waiting room today, he noticed writing on my wrist. He said, “I know I’ve asked before, but what does that say?”

On my left wrist is my first tattoo, which I got six years ago this month. Getting it was a pretty big deal. The incidents that inspired it had me interviewed on CNN and ABC’s Nightline. My dad knew all of this because he lived through it all too.

He was now asking me again what it says on my wrist. No big deal I thought. “It says GRATEFUL,” I told him. His response was a new one. He said, “Jesus Christ, what a faker!’ and stared at me with a slight smirk like he was waiting for me to laugh or react, I’m not really sure.Grateful

I wanted to reply with a hearty, “I hope you die alone on the streets,” and walk out. Instead I turned away, took a slow deep breath, reminded myself that in his dementia-ravaged and scared mind, that was the best he could do for a nervous joke to pass the time. I muttered, “Fuck you, I love you.”

During the appointment we discovered he has multiple growing cancers in his lungs, liver and stomach. Fuck you, I love you.


Holding On To What Holds Us Back

I can’t recall a video I’ve thought of making for so long, but didn’t. Better late than never. I’m sharing some things here that I’ve never shared before.

After you watch, I invite you to look around your life, physically, mentally, emotionally… and see what you are ready to get rid of.

What have you been holding on to, that you know holds you back?
Might today be the day to say goodbye to that, forever?

Let me know how it goes.

Letting Go

Real Men Feel

This year I’ve really felt called to offer more events for men. #RealMenFeel has become the overarching theme of this movement I’m launching. I’m thrilled to let you know that there is now a Real Men Feel group on Facebook and a Real Men Feel Internet TV show.

The first episode of Real Men Feel is live on Tuesday Feb 23 at 5pm Eastern on Blab. This bi-weekly live broadcast is hosted by me, Andy Grant, and my friend, Appio Hunter.

Our first topic will be about the relationship between men and their fathers. If you aren’t familiar with Blab, it is a live broadcasting service that allows up to four people to be part of a video conversation. Viewers can watch, make comments, ask questions or even take one of the open seats, if available, and join the show. Follow this link to subscribe to catch us live or via replay.

Real Men Feel Show
For those near me in Massachusetts, I’ve also launched a monthly men’s support group at Circles of Wisdom in Andover. Check it out. We meet the third Thursday of each month.

Real Men Feel

Action Cures Fear

Last night I had the honor of leading a workshop called, To Be A Man, which explored the often confusing and contradictory messages about being a man today, and just what the hell does being a “real” man even mean. A few months ago I began having this nudge to do something specifically for men. In early November, 2015, I was at an event talking to people about my Energy Coaching and Akashic Records Readings and began chatting with a woman and I mentioned feeling called to do more with men. On the spot she asked me to come speak at her art gallery, Blue Wave Fine Art Gallery, as part of a speaker series she was putting together for 2016. The voice of fear in my head was saying “NO! I have no idea what I’d say, this is just some crazy half an idea so far”, but I chose to say yes.

As the evening began last night, it didn’t seem that anyone was coming. I was fine with that. I was telling Asia, the gallery owner, how grateful I was for the opportunity. It gave me the reason to create the content I was presenting, to make a Real Men Feel Facebook group and launch a monthly Men’s Spiritual Support Group at Circles of Wisdom. As a speaker who relies on vulnerability and speaks from the heart – having nobody show-up is not a fear of mine. A non-existent audience is my comfort zone.

As the time to begin arrived, three brave souls were there to listen, to share and to be open to more. I presented my views and experiences of being a man. I did my best to model the authenticity that I believe is key to anyone living a happy and engaging life. Everyone shared – more than I dared to hope for. We talked and explored for 2 1/2 hours.

Fear could have stopped this from happening at so many points. Action cures fear. Please listen to the nudges you get in your life. Your authenticity could be the very gift someone else is in dire need of. Be authentically you.

I have no idea where this men’s initiative will take me, but I’m willing to go there.

Be authentically you.

The Golden Ball of Light – a Channeled Poem

For the second time my deceased grandmother has contacted psychic medium, Laura Emerald, to get a message to me. This one was delivered as a poem. This connection was first made almost exactly a year ago, when I found myself in a similar time of prolonged suicidal thoughts. While last year I knew I wasn’t going to act on my self-destructive thoughts (it really felt like things releasing, for good I thought), this year, I wasn’t so sure. Last month I was as close to making an attempt as I’ve been in years.

Here is the poem my Gram gifted me.

Golden Ball of EnergyThe Golden Ball of Light

Andy Dear ~ here’s a Teddy Bear
For you to hold when feeling fear.

When you are sad, feeling alone and the world not right,
Think of me, your Gram, filling you with golden light.

Imagine a ball, big, and huge with love
That fills your head with sunshine from above.

Now Andy I am watching you
and know you’re testing spirits too…

I think you need a new measuring stick
to determine your self worth extremely quick!

For Andy ~ You are the I AM ~ Truly You ARE
And you’re seeking something external~thinking it’s far!

When in fact Andy, what you seek is on the inside
Your cells and soul~ You are God and from that you can’t hide.

So I ask you now to hold a mirror up
And know that what you see is a God hologram ~ Yup!

You feel this to be true but it turns your world upside down…
Realizing the Divine is YOU ~ means honoring your Body, Mind, and Soul this time ’round.

Andy Dear, I so want you to be happy
but I can’t give you that  or I would ~ yes, it’s sappy.

But I can tell you to make this your Wayne Dyer Year!
Listen to all of his writings, internalize it, and let go of your fear!

The world needs your light and your work’s not done
So please my dear, set aside thoughts of going dark and on the run.

Band together with your Spirit Guides, and ask the Angels for help too
and know that I’m seeing your heart true.

Please let me leave you with this thought,
You are like a Domino and your actions aren’t for naught.

Your actions have ripples and make people think
YOU are a positive impact so step back from the brink.

Your end is not to be a domino slide down a hole
Leaving your loved ones wondering and blaming their role.

Go out in Glory with your body old and weary
And loved ones honoring you all weepy and teary.

Let your Accomplishments pile high
Your life an inspiration…

Note: The poem is intentionally unfinished because my Gram says my life, my work, and my time on Earth is not finished.

Laura has recently released a short book of channeled poetry. She tells me she’s not a poet at all, but that is how Spirit communicates on occasion. Check out We Are Here: Whispers of Love from Laura Emerald.